Pick-up lines 101 with the Slytherin Sex God
by Robin J. Lee
Summary: Draco returns to the head common room drunk and horny. How will Hermione Granger react to the unwanted attention?


It was a quiet evening in the Head Common Room. The only thing audible, was the crackling of the fire and the occasional turning of a page. Hermione Granger sat on a sofa in front of said fire, peacefully reading "Hogwarts: A History"

Yes, Hermione Granger, Head Girl of Hogwarts, enjoyed the silence. She reveled in the fact that her counterpart Draco Malfoy, Head Boy of Hogwarts, was probably off screwing some blonde bimbo. Although Hermione did not approve if such behavior, she had decided to look past it and enjoy the night off.

Hopefully the Slytherin Sex God would not be back until much, much later. Hermione yawned, closed her book and laid her head back. Unfortunately the peace was broken due to the entrance of one Draco Malfoy.

She jumped up fixating her gaze on him. She could smell the reek of alcohol on him all the way across the room. "Graaaanger" he whined. "What do you want, Malfoy?" She said with malice in her voice. Screwing a bimbo she could overlook, but drinking on school grounds was just unacceptable! "Graaaaanger!" He whined again.

"You are taking a shower right now!" She said sternly. "You reek!" Malfoy's expression changed immediately "Care to join me, Granger?" He said huskily. Hermione rolled her eyes. Great! He was in one of _those _moods again.

Without another word, she grabbed his wrist and pulled him into their joined bathroom. She didn't bother undressing him as she shoved him under the ice cold water. Draco thrashed and complained, but Hermione didn't turn off the shower until she felt that he was sufficiently sobered up.

Wordlessly, she pulled him out of the shower. "Get dressed. Come to the common room. We need to discuss your inadequate behavior." She returned to the common room, tapping her foot impatiently. Draco finally entered the common room, merely wearing pair of sweat pants. She commented his choice of dress with merely an eyebrow raise. She sat back down on the sofa and watched as Malfoy plopped down on the other end. Before she could open her mouth, Malfoy piped up.

"So… I hear you're Head Girl" he said with a suggestive wink. Great. Now she would have to listen to him use stupid pick-lines all evening. "Didn't you get all of that out of your system when you screwed that bimbo?" "Jealous, Granger? I'm not surprised. After all, I hear what the girls say about me. They call me 'Aguamenti' because every time they hear my name, they get wet" "Could you get anymore bigheaded?" Hermione said in a bored voice.

"Oi! Granger!" He said not paying attention to her. "Hagrid's not the only giant on Campus, if you know what I mean." "I think that someone has a quite warped perspective in regards to lengths." "Have you heard of Platform 9 and 3/4 ? Well, I can think of something else with the same measurements."

"I'm going to make you some sobering up potion" "You're like a bottle of Skele-Gro. You're growing me a bone" "On second thought, I'll just silence you" She said, searching for her wand. "Interested in making some magic together, are you Granger? Don't worry. My wand is at the ready!" He said, once again winking suggestively.

"Where is my bloody wand?" "You know, Granger, I'd let you handle _my _wand any day" He said mock thoughtfully. Hermione huffed. "Have you been using the Petrificus Totalus spell? 'Cause you're making me stiff."

Giving up, Hermione plopped back down on the sofa with an annoyed sigh. "Do you want to go to the Shrieking Shack? We could do some shrieking of our own!" Hermione got back up and headed towards her bedroom. She didn't have the nerve to deal with him anymore.

"I'm going to bed" she said exasperated. "Mind if I slytherin?" Hermione stopped in her tracks, burning with controlled anger. "'Cause after one night with me, they'll be calling you Moaning Murtle."

Hermione slowly turned around. She tousled her hair suggestively and looked at Malfoy with hooded eyes. "Is that the best you can do, ferret?" She said in a low voice as she walked towards him with slow tantalizing steps. When she came to a stop in front of him, she sat down on his lap and moved her lips next to his ear, lips touching it. "I'm quite disappointed in you, Mr. Malfoy" She said seductively. She locked eyes with him. Teasing him. His eyes dark with lust. Slowly, she traced his chest muscles with a single finger.

Then, without warning, she got up and walked to her bedroom swinging her hips. "Nice try, Malfoy! Better luck next time!" Then she slammed the door and laughed loudly. And Draco sat in the common room, unable to comprehend how anybody was able to resist the charm of the Slytherin Sex God.


End file.
